THE RELUCTANT CAREGIVER

The Unspoken Emotions of Caregiving

Caregiver: it's a role we don't sign up for in the same way we take on a career path, motherhood, or marriage. Often, one becomes a primary caregiver by default--by virtue of distance, availability, willingness, or simply lack of other options. The role may fall to the closest child, the only child, the "responsible one," the daughter-in-law who is deemed to have the most time, or the relative who works in healthcare. Whether you suddenly become a caregiver when a crisis strikes or become more involved as you slowly see a deterioration of abilities in an aging parent, there can be a lot of mixed emotions. While some may feel honored or duty-bound to take on this role, we rarely talk about the reluctance, fear, anger, and other emotions that caregivers face as well.

Can we expect new behavior without changing old habits?

Just as family life is idealized by shows like Leave it to Beaver or The Brady Bunch, we often create an unrealistic ideal in our minds regarding caregiving. The truth is we are not all cut from the Florence Nightingale mold. This series will begin to explore those times when you may feel trapped or resentful in your new role.

Whether you believe that other family members could be helping more or you are uncomfortable in acknowledging that you need help, there are times when you might struggle in your caregiver relationship. Certainly, if your relationship was strained by any prior factors, there would need to be a conscious decision by all (capable) parties for working through this difficult time using a different set of communication and relationship rules.

Taking Stock

Keep in mind that the only real control you have is over your own reactions. Begin by making a list of the challenges at hand. Are you encountering problems with a loved one who is having difficulty dealing with their loss of independence? The complexities of what they are experiencing may be demonstrated in their actions of being unappreciative, negative, depressed, or lashing out. Remember, the disease itself might be affecting your loved one's behavior and you may have to learn to cope with paranoia, wandering, refusal to bathe, or other inappropriate behaviors. A loved one's abuse of alcohol or drugs may provide a continued source of anger, disappointment and frustration. It is not uncommon for caregivers to feel especially torn because of prior relationship issues that bring mixed emotions about your care recipient. It is here that reaching out for support, whether in a group, online, or with a trusted advisor may assist the caregiver in taking care of the caregiver first.

Seek Inspiration

Motivational stories on this topic are found throughout Caregiving from the Heart: Tales of Inspiration coauthored by Riki Intner, M.A., and Roberta Cole, M.A. The book chronicles true stories of people involved with family caregiving. Some had strained relationships with their elderly parents but were forced into the around-the-clock caregiving. Noting that ambivalence among caregivers can be exacerbated when a relationship has a history of being strained, the book points out how some may see this as a chance to rekindle a relationship or form a new bond. Unfortunately, for many there is no fairy-tale ending.

Action steps

If you identify that you are struggling, what can you do? First, know that you are not alone in these feelings. Here are six suggestions:

1. Find the right outlet for sharing your feelings. Support groups are great but the wrong one can leave you feeling worse if you are comparing yourself to other caregivers or feeling judged. Check out a variety of support groups and online options to find the right fit. Similarly, some friends can be great confidants while others may say all the wrong things and only make you feel worse.

2. Don't judge yourself through others' eyes/experiences.

3. Consider a trained counselor, coach or geriatric care manager for discussing your feelings and getting assistance in creating an action plan to manage the situation.

4.Be realistic about your limits. Consider how tasks can be delegated among family, friends, community organizations or professionals. Explore options even if you aren't ready or don't need help right now.

5. Understand that it may be necessary to re-think any promises or perceived familial and/or moral obligations in the current caregiving context.

6. Acknowledge that outcomes may not be ideal and you often cannot fix or solve long-standing problems.

Look for our follow-up articles with resources and stories from other caregivers, including two former spouse caregivers who have some unique perspectives and advice.

Shannon Martin, M.S.W., CMC, is Director of Community Relations for Aging Wisely, LLC, a Care Management and Consultation company (www.agingwisely.com). Shannon provides community outreach and caregiver education. She also created and teaches an eldercare course for human development students at Eckerd College.